Finding Purpose (Colorado Veterans Book 1) Read online

  The weather is supposed to be beautiful today so we pack a lunch and go to a local park for a picnic. He doesn’t have to be at the counselor’s office until five o’clock. I’d love to go hiking, but I’m not sure what his current capabilities are. He was still weird about me seeing his leg this morning and things are so new between us I don’t want to kill the high we’re riding from last night. I already almost did that once today.

  When I woke up this morning, he was on his belly, both arms up under the pillow. I was draped over him with my leg hiked up across his ass. The body heat he produces is off the charts so we were only covered partially in a sheet. I took the few minutes before he woke up to push it down further and study his exposed muscled ass.

  Up until a few days ago when he started reading the letters, I know he’d been working out again and I was appreciating the fruits of his labor by running my fingers over the ridges and separations of each muscle group as I explored him. When my fingers reached his injured leg I felt his whole body tense and knew I’d woken him with my greedy fingers.

  “Don’t, Quinn,” he mumbled, his face in the pillow.

  My defenses jumped to the forefront because this scenario is what preceded me leaving his room at the hotel in a humiliated state not very long ago. I rolled away in an attempt to exit the situation. He caught me around the waist and pulled me back, tucking me half under him.

  “I’m sorry. This is hard, Quinn. I don’t want anyone to see my weaknesses, or the ugly remains of my leg. Especially you. Not to mention, when it was healing it was really sensitive, so much so that it was often painful. Now I kind of automatically protect it when the prosthesis isn’t on it. The whole thing is a mindfuck. I’m sorry.” He squeezed me tightly as I lay quiet. I had no idea what to say. “Don’t clam up on me now, Quincy. I can’t go back to silence from you.”

  “What do you want me to say? There’s never going to be a time when I don’t want to see all of you. The scars are part of you and I love you. I’ve seen you at your absolute worst. Do you think some scarred skin and a stump is going to turn me away?”

  “What if you don’t love the new me? I’ve done a lot of things since we were together all those years ago. Some things about me are the same, but there are some significant differences. The leg is just the most obvious change. I’m…embarrassed.”

  “You think I don’t have an idea of what you did while you were in the Navy? I’m not an idiot, Judd. I’ve seen the movies, read the memoirs, read the stuff on the Internet. I have an idea. I get that I’ll never know the extent of it, but I don’t care. It’s part of you, it’s part of what you did for our country. Even if I were to see a complete list of things you’ve done over the years, I wouldn’t look at you any differently. You’re still the man who saved me all those years ago. The man who cared enough to help me when I couldn’t help myself. You’re the one who paid your mom’s bills and wrote to the Colonel every week because you knew it made him happy. You’re also the man who came to a funeral to support a little old lady when you had no desire to do it.

  “Do you think I only see scar tissue and a prosthesis when I look at your body? It’s still the most amazing body I’ve every touched and I’ve been with some serious fitness freaks.”

  A growl pushed from his throat as he climbed all the way over me and straddled my hips. His fingers linked with mine, stretching above my head. His eyes burned into mine. I’d pissed him off big time but I had no idea what part of what I said did it.

  “Don’t ever fucking talk about touching another man again. I’m not kidding, Quince, I’ll lose my mind.”

  I took a deep breath, fighting to school my features. I was doing my best not to laugh at his surprising proprietary words.

  “What?” I asked, trying to make sense of his sudden change. Feeling a little giddy that he may actually be jealous of me with someone else.

  “The hardest part of reading those damn letters was finding out how many dates you’ve been on and how serious you were with each one, especially that Jeff guy. The thought of anyone else looking at you, touching you, fucking you, loving you, I can’t deal with that shit.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “You didn’t want me, but you wanted me to sit and wait for you anyway? That makes no sense at all.” All humor slipped away from me and I pursed my lips as I waited for him to speak.

  “I know it’s fucking selfish. I can’t seem to control it. I know I’m a dick, but I’m your dick.” As if to punctuate this point he dipped his head to my peaked nipple and nipped at it with his teeth. Then he swirled his tongue gently to ease the sting. My back arched off the sheets seeking more. He shifted his attention to the other nipple, watching my reaction the whole time while I got lost in the feel of his attention and in his predatory gaze.

  “Judson, dear God, don’t stop,” I moaned. He lifted his head and flashed me a wolfish grin. Then he spent the next hour proving to me that he owned every response my body could give. It was a fantastic morning. There was no more conversation about jealousy or dating.

  We spread a blanket on the grass and eat while watching families and couples wandering the grounds, taking pictures. When we’re done eating, we lie on our backs talking as the sun warms our skin. Things are relaxed so I test the waters a little by asking, “How’s the counseling?”

  To my surprise he answers without more prodding on my part, “Good, I guess. I thought we’d be talking about the IED the whole time, but we haven’t even made it to that. He wanted an overview of my life and this visit today is the one where we talk about the facts of the bomb. He said he doesn’t want my emotions or thoughts. He said we’ll go back to discuss the deep stuff later. I can’t quite figure this guy out, but I guess with this approach I haven’t written him off yet. He’s a nice guy, a war vet, a Marine, those guys are pretty tough. I get the feeling he’s seen a lot so it’s a little easier to trust him knowing he has an idea of what I’ve been through. I wish I didn’t have to do it at all though.”

  I study his expression, surprised he’s sharing as much as he is.

  “I can’t imagine any of this has been easy. You’ve never been one to talk a lot about feelings so that makes it worse I’m sure. I’m proud of you for going. I know you were given an ultimatum, but you could have chosen differently.”

  He doesn’t respond this time, just laces his fingers with mine and closes his eyes. A few minutes pass and he lifts my hand up close to his face. It’s awkward.

  “What the heck are you doing?” I laugh as he tries to hold me still.

  “Reading your wrist. I’ve wondered what this said since the day of the funeral when I caught a glimpse while you were washing dishes.”

  “Why didn’t you ask then?”

  “You weren’t very happy with me so I didn’t want to push my luck. Now hold still, you keep moving.”

  “It says, ‘Find Purpose’. I got it during my time with the national team. I was struggling with what my purpose in life was. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do after that and I was ready to move on. I didn’t want a job or a future that meant nothing. I needed my life to have real meaning.

  “As a woman, it seems we’re led to believe from an early age that we’re on this planet to reproduce. I couldn’t do that anymore so I didn’t know what my purpose was supposed to be. It finally dawned on me that our purpose can change depending on the period of time in our lives or the circumstances we find ourselves in, but the important thing to remember is to always have a purpose. The tattoo is there as a reminder of a quote I saw one time by someone named Richard Leider. ‘The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.’

  “Last year my purpose was to patrol the streets of Denver and make it safer for the people who live there. This year my purpose has been to take care of the Colonel and Ms. Polly. I don’t know what’s next but there will be something.”

  The little lines around his eyes soften as he stares at the letters inked on my skin. He lowers my wrist to his mouth and pla
ces a sweet kiss over the words. Nothing else is said about it but I can tell he’s turning our conversation over in his mind.

  After an hour, we walk hand in hand around the park talking about nothing and everything all at once. My heart is so light at this moment. I can’t remember being this happy in a long time. I haven’t been miserable, but I’ve not been very happy either.

  As the time for his appointment grows closer, we fold up our blanket and carry our stuff to his truck. We hold hands all the way home like teenagers in love. I haven’t giggled this much in years. The whole day was like a happy scene from a movie. If I would have realized this while I was in the middle of it, I would have been prepared for the black moment looming in front of me as we reach Ms. Polly’s house and the scene changes.

  As we pull into the driveway I feel Judson’s hand tighten around mine. “Who the hell is that?” he asks, his voice reflecting the tension that crept into his whole body. I was resting with my eyes closed until he spoke. I look out the window to see Jeff standing with his back to the side of his Jeep, ankles crossed, arms folded, his eyes trained on the truck. The top is off of the Jeep, which explains his tousled hair. He’s wearing faded jeans and a T-shirt. The look on his face is not a happy one. Shit. I’m not ready to deal with this.

  When Judson parks the truck I squeeze his hand and say, “That’s Jeff. I don’t know why he’s here. Do you think you can give me a few minutes alone to handle this?”

  “No.”

  I swing around to face him and say, “It wasn’t really a request. I was trying to be polite. Let me deal with this.”

  “Why alone?”

  “I don’t want a confrontation. This is already going to be awkward for me and I don’t want it to be worse. If I go back to the department in Denver, I still have to work with him from time to time.”

  “I don’t like this. Why is he here?” His light mood is long gone, replaced by surly and uncooperative. I’m not prepared to deal with Judson’s temper today. It’s been too nice of a day.

  “I don’t know, I told you that. Just give me a few, okay?” He shakes free of my hand and steps out of the truck without another word to stalk past Jeff into the house. I climb out of the truck, shove my hands in my pockets and walk over to Jeff.

  “Hey,” he says cautiously.

  “Hey.”

  “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for hours.”

  “At the park. I didn’t know you were coming so I didn’t plan for it. Why are you here?” I study his features for a few minutes and think about what a good-looking man he is. Tall, broad shoulders, perfect five o’clock shadow, long legs, muscled body, and sadly it does nothing for me. My brain wants to focus on his thinning hair, lack of ass for the jeans, and his inability to take no for an answer.

  There was a time when his charming cat-that-ate-the-canary grin was all I needed to see at the end of a bad day. A time when he was sweet and thoughtful. Sometimes I’d come in from being on the streets to find flowers or some kind of pastry treat on my desk with a cute note attached. That was back when I didn’t question his fidelity and when he didn’t question my loyalty to people who mean something to me. He never understood why I went to Germany with the Colonel or why I took care of the Colonel and Ms. Polly. He never understood that relationship and he became condescending and pushy when he realized I was going to take care of them no matter what he thought. I didn’t like the Jekyll and Hyde routine. One minute sweet, the next minute a raging asshole.

  “I want to talk to you. You can’t think I’d just let you go after a phone call. I thought you’d call me or come home or something. I never thought you’d let it go like that. There’s nothing going on with Marissa or anyone else for that matter, so there’s no need for all this drama you’ve created.”

  All this drama I’ve created? Oh man! Not only is he delusional but he also just poked the dragon with that comment. My eyes narrow, “So you’re saying you haven’t hooked up with anyone since I’ve been gone?” He looks away and clears his throat.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You can’t expect me to believe you love me and want a future with me when you can’t even go a few months without sex while you wait for me. I can’t trust you. Besides, I don’t think we’re suited for each other.”

  “I screwed up, okay? I was lonely and I thought you weren’t coming back and I…slipped.”

  He looks sorry all right, sorry he got caught.

  “So you’re saying that you were walking along, tripped and your dick slipped into other women? That’s quite the balance issue you have, Jeff, convenient, too.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. I realize I hurt you and I’m sorry. I want you to finish what you’re doing with Polly and come home to me. It’s time we get married.”

  “No, I’ve told you before. I’m not interested in getting married. I can’t have kids, Jeff. Why get married if I can’t give you a family? That makes no sense.”

  “There are good doctors out there with updated technology we could look into. If that doesn’t work, we could hire a surrogate. We have options.”

  “No, we don’t. I learned a long time ago I couldn’t have kids and have adjusted to that mentality. I don’t want any kids, Jeff. I don’t want to get married. I’m not interested in the white-picket-fence life you’re intent on having. Go find someone who is.”

  He steps into my space so close I step back. He steps in again and grabs my shoulders, pulling me into a kiss I wasn’t expecting. I freeze as I process what the hell is happening. I’m not kissing him, but I’m not, not kissing him either. I hear the door swing open behind me so I wrench myself away from Jeff and turn to find a crazy-mad Judson stalking our way.

  “What the fuck?!” he yells, startling me.

  “Who the hell is this, Quinn?” Jeff asks, pointing at Judson.

  “I’m your worst nightmare if you don’t get your hands off my woman, motherfucker,” Judd replies as his anger fills and thickens the air around us.

  “Your woman?” Jeff replies, incredulous.

  “You guys need to stop!” I shout, pushing a palm against each man’s chest as I stand between them in an attempt to stop an imminent, epic man-battle.

  “I’m not stopping till he gets his hands and mouth off you,” Judson growls out.

  “Fuck you!” Jeff spits as both men push against my palms, moving closer together.

  “Stop!” I scream again. “Judson, go back inside and let me finish this. I’ll be in shortly.”

  “This is that cripple cocksucker Judson Rivers?” The nasty smirk spreads across his mouth as he backs off a little and says, “Then I have nothing to worry about. Quinn’s hard to handle, she’ll need more than half the man who came back from war.”

  That comment was like waving a red flag at a bull, feeding right into all of Judson’s insecurities. Damn! Judson shoves me aside and lands a right hook on the left side of Jeff’s face. A sickening crunch fills the air as Jeff staggers back, recovers and comes at Judson full force. They’re going swing for swing, both grunting and growling like feral beasts as they battle in Ms. Polly’s front yard. My mind wars with worrying about them killing each other and them trampling Ms. Polly’s lilies.

  Judson connects a powerful cross to the jaw, stunning Jeff enough to allow a second shot by Judson. Once Jeff recovers, Judson’s sent staggering back, off balance by a surprise upper cut. I can tell he’s going down before he does. He doesn’t have enough hours with his prosthesis yet to be able to navigate a situation like this on his feet. He hits the ground on his back, leaving himself unguarded long enough for Jeff to jump on him.

  I scream, “Stop, stop, stop!” I don’t jump in though as they ignore me and continue to fight. I may be tough, but not tough enough to get between these two. Judson flips his torso, locking Jeff with his thighs and drills him good in the jaw. Then Judd grabs his hands, holding them tight. “Need a donut, copper?” Judson’s eyebrows are drawn together in concentration, but his
smart-ass smirk adds fuel to the man-battle fire.

  Jeff growls, “Fuck you!” and spits at Judson.

  “Keep that up, jackass, and it’ll be lights out for you. I may have lost half my leg over there, but I still have everything else and if you keep running your fuckin’ trap I’ll make sure you know it.”

  “Judson,” I call quietly to him, resignation heavy in my voice. “Judson, let him up. It’s time for him to go.”

  “You want me to let him up so he can swing on me again?”

  “No, I want you to let him up so he can leave. I’m done with this shit. It’s time for him to go. Jeff, don’t take another swing. Just leave. Please, for me. I’m begging you. I’ll have Ms. Polly press charges if you don’t walk away now.”

  Judson climbs off him cautiously, watching him the whole time, not trusting him to let it go. When he’s on his feet, he steps back to block me from view. I push around him and say, “Go get cleaned up and I’ll be inside soon. Just trust me.” My voice and eyes plead with him. I want him to stop this and trust me. I know the kiss didn’t look good, but I need for this to end so I can send Jeff on his way and explain everything to Judson. I can’t do it with them fighting like we’re on an elementary school playground.

  “So I can look out the window and watch you kiss him again?” Judson barks at me. If he had a super power at this moment, I’m certain it would be flames that shoot out of his eyes to incinerate the things that piss him off. Right now, that would be me.

  “That’s not what happened. We’ll talk about everything once he leaves.”

  “His lips,” he holds up one hand. “Your lips,” he holds up the other hand and smashes the palms together. “That’s what I walked out here to see five minutes ago.”

  “We’ll talk when I get inside. Please,” I beg.

  He grunts while dusting off his jeans and strides into the house without a look back at me. My heart twists a little knowing what must be going through his head, but I have to get Jeff out of here before I can fix this situation with Judson.