Finding Purpose (Colorado Veterans Book 1) Read online

  There were 20 more letters while I was training for SEALs. I can hear the loneliness in her words and the strain as she fought to stay sober on a college campus. Each letter shared a little piece of her life at the time. There were plenty of guys who asked her out and I found myself elated when I read they got turned down.

  The day I got my SEAL Trident is when the tone of her letters began to change. It’s clear as I read them now that she went from a feeling of longing to resignation. I wrote her a letter after I graduated to let her know. I also mentioned that I’d been assigned to a SEAL team and would be deploying in less than a month. I wish I would’ve written her more.

  According to the letters, three months after I deployed she accepted her first date since we’d slept together and although that’s now been years ago, I feel like I could hunt the guy down and kick his ass for asking her out.

  Dear Judson,

  I was really hoping I’d get more than one letter from you. I know I only asked for that one, but I hoped I meant more to you. I secretly wished you’d feel compelled to communicate with me. It hurts to realize my feelings were one-sided, but I guess that’s just how life goes. Speaking of which, the Colonel said you were doing well on deployment and although you can’t communicate what you’re doing exactly, he thought you seemed happy or at least content. I’m glad to hear it. It would suck for you to go through all those months of training and hell only to hate your job afterwards.

  A guy named Lewis from one of my classes asked me out today. I almost gave the standard no answer and then decided there was nothing holding me back. He’s a nice guy, good-looking and smart, so why not? He’s taking me to dinner. I probably should have said no since I’m leaving for Colorado Springs in two weeks, but I selfishly wanted the company. I’ve accepted the invitation to train with the national team.

  Denise and Jenny both said that I need to go out and act my age for a change. Being sober and celibate apparently makes me the college equivalent of the crazy cat lady. So we’ll see what happens with Lewis.

  I hope you’re staying safe. I worry about you constantly. I had to stop watching the news because I had myself worked up all the time. I’ll write again soon, though I don’t know why since I’m too chicken to mail the damn things.

  Love always,

  Quincy

  I move the box off the bed and remove my leg for the night. I can’t read anymore. I’m nervous about what the next letter will say. I don’t want to hear about her date with Lewis or anyone else for that matter. I turn off the light and fall into a light sleep for a couple of hours. I wake around four in the morning and start reading again. Thankfully, Lewis didn’t make it past the first date. The letters over the next several months talked about her moving and national team stuff while sharing an apartment with a girl from Texas. It wasn’t until I read the one written six months after she got to Colorado that I felt sick again.

  Dear Judson,

  It’s been almost two years since I last saw you and although I still miss you every day, the ache isn’t as bad anymore. The Colonel still keeps me updated on how you’re doing and I still talk to Jenny, who, by the way, is getting married. It’ll probably blow your mind to know I’m going to be in her wedding. We’ve grown close over these last couple of years so when she asked I said yes. She’s very happy. Her fiancé is a nice, steady, nine-to-five man. He’s exactly what you knew she needed. They plan to start a family right away and she’s thrilled. I know you’ll be happy for her if you don’t already know about it. We don’t talk about you much. I think she knows I fell in love with you at some point during our time at OSU, but I think she’s afraid to ask about it. I’d never want to hurt her so I don’t mention it.

  A cop from here in Colorado Springs asked me out two weeks ago and I accepted. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink either so I don’t feel weird about that, although I don’t find myself craving alcohol very often anymore. Only in moments of high stress does that happen. Anyways, Mike is his name. Tonight will be our fourth date. His schedule is a little screwy so nothing has been consistent yet. It still feels strange going out with someone else when all I really want is you, but two years of silence says it all. My brain keeps yelling, LET HIM GO! My heart on the other hand says, hang on a little longer.

  I have to be honest, if I could figure out how to let go I would. It’s pathetic at this point.

  Well, I guess I’d better go and get ready for the date. I will continue to pray for you and hope that you are well.

  Love always,

  Quincy

  Why didn’t I write to her? I missed her too. I thought about her almost every day. I wrote the Colonel and asked questions about her in every letter. I never asked about Jenny, not even when I talked to Mom on the phone. What was I thinking?

  By day three I’ve made it through almost all the letters in the box. I haven’t slept since the couple of hours I got that first night. I wanted to know what happened to Mike and then the next several guys she dated after that. I also haven’t seen her. Ms. Polly came to my door to check on me and I told her I was okay but I haven’t seen her either.

  I finally crashed out for a couple of hours and got a little something to eat. Now I’m up to a guy named Jeff in the letters. This is the one who scares me the most. He’s had the most potential so far and it seems he’s working the hardest to keep her. He kicked up a little fuss when she came to see me in Germany, but let it die down when he realized she’d dump him if he didn’t chill.

  The letters she wrote in Germany were the hardest to date. She explains in detail what she felt like when she found out about the IED and what it was like for them when they got to the hospital. She talks about running her fingers through my hair and resting them lightly on the artery in my neck so she could feel my pulse. She couldn’t hold my hands because one had been burned and the other had taken a ton of shrapnel so they were both bandaged in the beginning.

  What surprised me most was she never gave up on me. Even in her head. It’s like she knew I’d fight and come out on the other side okay. I wish I believed in myself as much as she believed in me during this last year. I was fucking pissed that I couldn’t continue on as a SEAL or return to my team if I chose to stay in the Navy. I didn’t want to face my life without my team and I really didn’t want to face it as a cripple. Paper-pushing would never have worked for me so it wasn’t an option to be stuck behind a desk. She never saw that though. She was certain I’d heal and find a new purpose, that I’d be bigger and better than before.

  When I was hopped up on the pain medication in the hospital and told her I loved her, she said that she figured it was the meds, but it was obvious she hoped I’d wake up and tell her when I was lucid too. Of course I never did. I vaguely remember her and the Colonel being there. It’s almost as if that was a dream. For a long time, I wondered if it was. I don’t remember much until I was at Walter Reed Medical Center for a few weeks. By then I was a miserable human being.

  I have to leave to see Dave for counseling so I shower, dress and drive over. Thank God the ladies gave me my keys back. It’s nice to have a little freedom again. Dave greets me at the door and ushers me inside. We continue on with my story and the basics of the last 10 years. Just before we get to the accident, our session ends.

  “Judson, I can tell we’re getting to the point in your story where the accident occurred. I don’t want you to dwell on it until our next visit, and when you come back I want you to treat it as a story you heard about someone else. Just give the facts and we’ll move through it quickly. We’ll revisit the tough parts at a different time. I just want the basics.”

  This shocks me. It seems everyone up until now has wanted me to get to the meat and potatoes of the story. They all want to talk about how I feel missing a leg. Instead Dave seems to want to cover it all. I allow my shoulders to relax before I ask, “Why is that?”

  “Because what you’re going through now doesn’t only have to do with the accident. It’s a combination o
f many things and I have to get the facts of your life to try and figure out what makes up the many parts causing you difficulty. You have to remember I’ve been to war. I know all about it and I know it can change a man, but I also know that war isn’t the only thing that can change you. I just need to understand what your other things are. If we dwell on the war portion only, we could miss some important factors.”

  He’s stunned me silent. I’m sure he’s correct in what he’s saying, but it’s hard to believe that more than a bomb changed me this much. I’ll be interested to hear what his assessment is once I’m done talking.

  When I get back home I hole up and read the rest of the letters. It’s the middle of the night when I get to the ones before the Colonel died. Jeff is still sort of in the picture and although I haven’t seen his face I’m wondering if he’s sitting back in Denver waiting on her. Does she plan to go back now? Does she still love me? Does she love Jeff? Does she plan to marry him? All of those questions run on a loop in my mind, but the only way to get the answers is to ask her directly.

  I creep into her room. The moonlight is streaking in across her shiny dark hair spread out all over the pillow and her face is relaxed in sleep. She looks like a black-haired sleeping beauty. My heart pounds in my chest. Why did I spend all of this time trying to avoid her? Why did I push her away last week? When I’m with her I feel the same as I did when I was 21 years old and whole. Why wouldn’t I want to keep that? I must be a fucking idiot. I was only planning to talk to her, but something inside me changes as I look at her lovely face, smooth in sleep.

  Chapter Nine

  Quinn

  I gave him the letters three days ago and haven’t seen him since. Ms. Polly said he left to go to counseling but she only heard him leave. She didn’t see him either. I fell asleep wondering what he was thinking as he read. Somewhere deep in the night I feel the covers lift and the bed dip behind me. The squeak of the door opening is what woke me. I can tell by his gait and the fact that he took a minute to remove his leg that it’s Judson. Cool skin presses up against my bare legs as my hair is swept up and over the pillow, out of the way. His strong arm wraps around me.

  “You loved me?” The rumble of his voice rolls through me, breaking the quiet of the room.

  I tense up, debating if I should put myself out there any further, but I don’t answer.

  “Did you?” he asks again.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  “Do you still? I’ve been reading the letters and I didn’t make it to the last one.”

  I stay quiet, unsure of how to answer.

  “Do. You. Still. Love me?” he asks, with a pause after almost every word for emphasis.

  “If you won’t answer that question will you at least tell me if you’re in love with Jeff?”

  “No, I’m not in love with Jeff. I care about him, but I’m not in love with him.”

  “Are you going to keep seeing him?”

  “No, I already ended it.”

  “Why?”

  I don’t answer. I can’t lie and I don’t want to tell the truth.

  “Is it because you still love me?”

  I pause for a long moment before I finally answer, “Yes.”

  “Even though I’m half the man I left here as? Even though I’m a drug addict? Even though I’m a mess who can’t get his shit together? Even though I’ve been a huge dick to you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why? You can do so much better. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. Your loyalty and tenderness are rivaled only by your strength. I’m not worthy of you. Why me?”

  “I just love you. I have since the night you saved me all those years ago. There’s just something about you that calls to me.”

  “It doesn’t make sense. I didn’t write you on purpose. So you’d move on and so I wouldn’t have to hear about you doing it. I thought you did, but as I read the letters I realized you never let me go. When you dated that guy five years after I left, you tried to but didn’t. When you dated that guy I just read about in year seven, you still didn’t let me go. Why? They sounded like good guys.”

  “They were, but they were never you.”

  A soft kiss lands on my neck just below the hairline by my ear and my whole body shudders in reaction.

  “You love me?” he asks again. His warm breath triggers a chain reaction of goose bumps all over my body.

  “Yes.”

  “Say it.” His hand slips under my short satin nightgown, along my ribs and up over my breast. He cups it in his large, powerful hand, squeezing gently. “Say it,” he demands again. My blood heats quickly while my body readies itself for him.

  “I love you,” I say on a breathy moan.

  “Yes,” he hisses and his hand slips down over the other breast, kneading. “Again,” he demands.

  My core pulses to life. “I love you, Judson.”

  His fingers tweak the hardened bud and I buck against him. “Again,” he says. His hand coasts down my abdomen, under the band of my panties and over my sex, cupping me roughly. I’m lost in the delirium he’s causing my body. “Again, I said.”

  “I love you.” I moan and wiggle against him impatiently.

  “Again.” I get it. I have to say I love him to get what I want. His little game has me so turned on right now, I’ll play along.

  “I love you.”

  He bites my neck and slides his middle finger through my damp folds while I pant and whine for more.

  “Tell me. You know what I want to hear.” His grumbly voice peels away any remaining coherent thought.

  “I love you.”

  I’m rewarded as his finger strokes me up and down, over and over. And when I’m almost there he asks again.

  “I love you,” I cry out.

  “Shhhh. Ms. Polly is home.”

  His finger rolls directly over my clit, swirling as he goes, quickly twisting the orgasm right out of me. I turn my head into the pillow to avoid screaming out loud.

  “Turn over and face me,” he commands. I flip without hesitation and hook my knee up over his hip. His injured leg slides in between my thighs and rubs against my already sensitive center. I roll my hips against him and he moans. His hand reaches around and fists my hair, holding my head still for him. He leans in and says against my lips, “I love you, too. Probably always have.” My mouth closes the distance, crashing to his, my tongue stabbing inside his mouth without finesse. My need for him drives me wild. In return he gives as good as he gets.

  I push him to his back and slide my panties off. Then I pull off his boxers and straddle his hips, slipping him inside of me as I lower myself slowly on to him. He groans loudly as I lift and repeat.

  “Shhhh. You’ll wake Ms. Polly,” I repeat back to him with a slight smile.

  “Sorry. I’ll try,” he whispers as he flexes into me.

  I’m so full with him, I feel like I’ll rip at the seams. His greedy hands pinch and knead the skin of my breasts as I move above him. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” I chant in a whispered voice as we meld together. He sits up, bringing us face-to-face and I continue the rise and fall. My fingers lace together behind his neck so I can pull his mouth to mine.

  “I love you,” he moans back to me.

  I drop harder on him, my arousal hitting its peak as I ride him. I grind down and ride harder to the point of my detonation. My core clenches him tight and my whole body shakes as a mind-numbing orgasm consumes me.

  I collapse against him and he rolls me and takes a second to adjust his body into the perfect position. When my back hits the mattress, he powers into me as hard as he can. The pressure against my already sensitive flesh triggers another orgasm and I tense from head to toe as sparks fly behind my eyelids. He jerks twice more and empties himself into me.

  Collapsing against me he says, “I love you. I have since college. I wanted more for you. I wanted you to let me go and find someone better, but I was too jealous to hear about it. I’m sorry I didn
’t write. I’m sorry I never told you how I felt.”

  “I tried to let go when I realized you weren’t coming back for me, but I never found anyone better. It’s always been you. I love you,” I confess.

  “I love you, too, Daisy.”

  He shifts so we’re on our sides facing each other. His softening cock is still inside me as he kisses me gently, thoroughly, reverently. God, I’ve wished for this for so long. I can’t stop kissing him even though I know he’s tired.

  “You need some sleep,” I murmur against his lips.

  “I’m okay. I used to stay up for days at a time when I was in the desert.”

  “Why?”

  “Depends. Sometimes it was what the mission called for. Sometimes I just couldn’t sleep.”

  “You can sleep now. I’m not going anywhere.”

  He sighs against my mouth and buries his face in my neck. “Promise?”

  “I promise. I’ve waited for almost 11 years to have you. You think I’d throw that away now that I have it?”

  “Okay. Let’s sleep.” He kisses my hair and holds me tighter. I’m still awake when his breathing settles and the tension leaves his body. I love being with him like this. Please don’t let him wake up regretful in the morning. I won’t survive it again.