Finding Purpose (Colorado Veterans Book 1) Read online

  My heart rate spikes and I panic. I’ve been trained never to let anyone at my back. This whole situation is wrong. What the hell happened? Where am I? The beeps increase and I pull at my restraints as hard as I can. A growl escapes my throat, but I can’t seem to say anything else.

  Quincy slides into my line of sight with a worried look on her face. Her palm holds my jaw as she says, “Settle down, the nurses will unstrap your arms when they know you’ll stay put. You have to stay on the IV and you keep trying to pull it out. Relax, I won’t let anyone hurt you, okay?”

  I attempt to process what she’s saying, but it still doesn’t make any sense. I tug once more at the restraints. Her voice and her touch are helping a little. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out so I plead with my eyes.

  “Judson, please settle down. I don’t want them to knock you out again. I’m here with you and no one will hurt you.” Her eyes beg me to listen. The sound of a woman crying can be heard but I can’t see who it is. Quinn places her hand on my arm, but turns around to someone behind her. Ms. Polly is pulled into view by Quinn’s other arm. She’s sniffling and wiping at her teary eyes with a ratty old tissue.

  “Oh, Judson. If you needed help why didn’t you tell me? I’d get you whatever help you need. You can’t be this stupid anymore. I’ve called your mother and brother and they’re on their way. They were driving back from vacation; that’s why they’re not here yet.”

  I close my eyes tight. Flashes of pills, whiskey, smoke, and a skanky blonde are jumbled together in my memory, but I can’t seem to put it in any order for it to make sense. I don’t want them to see the failure I’ve become. I hate that Quincy and Ms. Polly are seeing this, but it’s my mom that needs for me to be the strong one. I can’t handle her seeing me in this state.

  Ms. Polly walks around to the other side of the bed, kisses my cheek and asks, “You think Gene didn’t come back from both Vietnam and Kuwait with issues? You think I can’t handle a wounded dog like you? Well, you thought wrong. I helped Gene and now I’m going to help you, but don’t expect any easy treatment because you’re my boy. I’m going to kick your butt back into shape. Now, I’m going to tell the nurses they can unstrap you, but when they do, if you fight, I’ll kick your butt myself.” Her face is fierce as she watches me for a reaction. If I wasn’t so shocked I’d probably laugh, but honestly I’m a little afraid of this side of my frail old friend. Ms. Polly throws her shoulders back and strides out of the room.

  I turn back to Quincy who’s watching me closely, her hand still on my arm, softly stroking. The feeling is such a comfort I want her to do that to my face and hair. I want to feel her touch so badly. Words come out rough and gravelly this time when I ask, “Touch my face?”

  She studies me for a minute and shifts her other hand up to my face, running her fingers and palm across my cheek and over the stubble of my hair above my ear. I lean into the touch and she does it again and again for me. I don’t ever want her to stop. When I open my eyes, I see the tears she has rolling down her face as she continues to stroke my skin.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were having a hard time? This is bad, Judson. You almost died, you had so much shit in your system. You mixed a ridiculous amount of alcohol with a bunch of meds, none of which you had a prescription for. What were you thinking?”

  I attempt to wrap my mind around what she’s said and what Ms. Polly said, but I can’t quite understand it. “What?” I scrape out.

  “You took a bunch of pills, washed them down with a gallon or two of whiskey and almost died on the floor of the bar. Thank God the bartender called 911 quickly because your head was bleeding at an alarming rate and your system was shutting down. We almost lost you again.”

  Flashes of what she’s talking about jump across my memory too quickly to hold on to. Quinn looks at me carefully, her damp eyelashes flutter as she blinks. “You don’t remember any of that, do you?”

  I shake my head and before she can say anything else Ms. Polly comes back into the room with the doctor on her heels. His white coat and pretty-boy haircut put me on edge and I tense up.

  Quincy stops stroking my face, flattens her palm to my cheek and shifts into my line of sight. “He won’t hurt you. I’m here, I promised you no one would hurt you and I meant it. You took care of me a long time ago and now it’s my turn to take care of you. Okay? So just relax.”

  Her hand moves down to hold mine under the sheet and I do my best to relax.

  “Mr. Rivers, I’m Dr. Janson. I need to check your vitals and ask you a few questions. Do your best to answer. Do you remember how you got here?” I look at Quinn and she gives me an encouraging look. I shake my head.

  “Do you know what you took?” I shake my head no again and then confess in a rough voice, “Some kind of white pills and whiskey. I don’t know what they were though.”

  “How’re you feeling?” He shines a light in my eyes and pulls back a bandage I didn’t even know was there. His brows drop low and his lips purse into a flat line.

  “I’m sore. Throat.”

  “Your throat is sore?”

  I nod.

  “We can get you some ice chips to help with that, but it’s going to be sore. We pumped your stomach and all that acid probably left you feeling raw. How long have you been self-medicating?”

  I close my eyes, ashamed everyone will have to hear this answer. Ms. Polly must sense my discomfort because she leaves the room without a word.

  Quincy speaks up, “You’ve seen me at my worst so don’t hide now. Just tell the truth.”

  “I don’t know. A few months maybe. I stopped for a few weeks and started back up again recently. I’m still having leg pain and I’m not sleeping well.”

  Ms. Polly comes back into the room with a cup of ice chips and the doctor holds up his hand for her to wait.

  “Let me get your vitals so she can give you the ice chips.” Once he’s done he tells me my blood pressure is still low and they want to keep me another day or two to make sure I’m stable. Then he informs me that the social worker will be in to discuss treatment options with me because they’ll be required.

  I close my eyes, dreading all of this. Not for the first time, I’m wishing the bomb had taken my life instead of leaving behind this broken man I’ve become. Weakness has never been part of my vocabulary and I hate that it’s on display for everyone right now.

  The doctor leaves and Ms. Polly feeds me ice chips until I’m too tired to keep my eyes open. Quincy keeps her hand on my arm or strokes my face and hair until I fall back asleep.

  I wake a while later when there’s commotion surrounding me and I feel soft lips kiss my face and hear the cries of my mother. I crack open my eyes to find Quincy in the corner talking to my brother. My mother is leaning over me, smoothing her thumb over my eyebrows like she did when I was little and had trouble sleeping.

  Our eyes meet and she inquires as her lip quivers, “Why didn’t you tell me? I knew something wasn’t right, but you wouldn’t fess up. Oh my God! When we got that call from Polly I thought I’d die. How could you be so stupid?” She’s sobbing now and it hurts to see her this way.

  “Mom,” is all I can muster. I raise my hands to wrap around her as she lies across my chest. I’m so thankful they removed the restraints so I can pull her against me.

  My brother glares at me from across the room and I look away, holding on to my mom as she soaks my hospital gown. Quinn moves over and slides a chair up for my mom. She pulls away and wipes her eyes as she sits. Quinn explains everything the doctor said earlier and my brother says nothing before he turns and storms out of the room. Quinn goes after him so it’s just Mom and me in the room.

  “No more messing around, Judd. I love you so much and I’m so thankful for all you did for your brother and me, but it’s time to get your shit straight and start living your life for you. No more doing the right thing for everyone else. No more hero stuff. I want you to live for you. I’ll support you through all of this, bu
t you’re going to get help. I don’t care how hard it is or how long it takes. I want you to get help and follow through.” She’s crying again and it guts me to see her like this. I feel like an ass for putting her though more than she already has been.

  After an hour she kisses my cheek and says, “I’ll be back tomorrow. I’m going home to get some sleep. I love you, Judson.”

  “I love you, too, Mom.”

  Two days later I’m driven to Ms. Polly’s house. My mom wanted me to come home with her, but she is still working full time and only has a one bedroom apartment so it was decided that I would go with Quinn and Ms. Polly who has plenty of room and nowhere to be. Apparently Quincy checked me out of the hotel and took my stuff to Ms. Polly’s. They put me in the room across from Quinn’s and are taking turns watching me and driving me around. I’m sure I can drive by now, but they won’t even give me my keys. I think they’re afraid I’ll go for the pills or booze again, but I’m too tired to do that.

  On day three, I’m dropped off at one-on-one counseling. The therapist’s name is Dave and he’s a Dessert Storm era retired Marine who went back to school to be a shrink. I guess if I have to do this it’s best to do it with him. That’s not to say this process is any easier, but it’s required.

  Surprisingly, the first session is about how I grew up and what made me go into the Navy. It was easy to answer those questions because I had an amazing childhood. I was raised on a farm by both parents with my brother. We worked hard but had plenty of space to play hard too. My parents were crazy in love with each other and in turn with us too. I was in my third year of college when my father died of a heart attack while he was out working in the field.

  That single event changed the trajectory of my life. I dropped out of school and went into the Navy. My mother needed the financial help and my older brother, Joel, was knee-deep in school, unable to help her. It only made sense that I be the one to get a job. I always wanted to go into the military but didn’t because my high school sweetheart and girlfriend at the time, Jenny, wanted to stay in our hometown. The day after I signed up for the Navy, I broke up with her knowing she’d never be happy with my life choice.

  By the time I cover all of that our session is over and I leave his office wondering why he never asked about my prosthesis. I thought the IED and the missing leg would be the first questions. That seemed to be the case with the shrinks at the VA. I’m due to return to his office in two days and I’m no longer dreading it, so this approach of his must work.

  On day four out of the hospital, I’m sitting on the swing on the back porch contemplating my situation when the door opens and Ms. Polly leads Jenny out to where I’m sitting. You could have scraped my chin off the floor when I register it’s her. Why is she here?

  “Hey, how are you feeling?” She gestures to the jagged stitches jutting down over the side of my forehead where I face-planted at the bar.

  I shrug, not wanting to lie or to share the truth. “Hey,” I greet her, “what are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see you for myself. Make sure you’re okay,” her voice is quiet and sincere.

  I sweep my hand to the spot next to me on the swing and she sits, tucking her dress down under her legs.

  “How are you?” I ask to be polite.

  “I’m good. Staying busy with the kids.”

  “I bet.” I give her a small smile, hoping to take some of the awkwardness out of the encounter. “How did you hear about me?” I ask and gesture to my bandaged head.

  “I saw your mom and Quincy at the grocery store and they told me. Quinn didn’t tell me you two got together. It’s probably a little awkward for her. I’ve kept in touch with her, you know.”

  I didn’t know they kept in touch and a sting of jealousy stabs at me that Jenny probably knows way more about Quinn than I do. “We aren’t together.”

  “Why not? Isn’t she here taking care of you?” Her head tilts and her eyes squint a little. “If you aren’t then you should be. Don’t let her get away.”

  “What are you talking about?” I give Jenny a look to let her know I think she’s nuts.

  “Are you that dense? After all this time?” She brushes the edges of her skirt down with her palms and looks at her hands for a moment before she meets my eyes again. Jenny’s still beautiful in that blond-haired, blued-eyed, all-American-girl kind of way, but looking at her I feel nothing but a distant fond affection. It’s really strange to think I might have married her if my dad hadn’t died. “She’s in love with you. She has been since college.”

  “No she wasn’t…isn’t,” I deny.

  “I knew it then and I know it now. I thought you felt the same. In fact, I thought that’s why you broke up with me.”

  “If you’ve kept in touch with her you know that’s not the case. I only wrote her one letter after I left for the Navy and didn’t see her again until the Colonel’s funeral. Well I guess I saw her in Germany, but I don’t remember much from that time.”

  “She wrote to you though. She may never have sent the letters, but I know she wrote them. She flew with the Colonel to Germany and stayed for two weeks. She refused to leave your side until she knew you were going to make it. I know this because she was calling to give me updates.”

  “Why?”

  “Why did she go to Germany or why did she call me?” she asks, confused.

  I shrug. “Both, I guess.” What a bizarre conversation.

  “She called me because she knew I’d see your name on the news and freak out. We may not have been together, but I’ve always cared about you and she knew it. She didn’t leave your side because she’s in love with you. How can you not see that?

  “She’s never said it, but I suspect there was a time you were together and neither one of you told me, which is probably for the best. I was pretty raw for a long time, but I have a good life, a happy life. It’s the one I was meant to lead and it’s time for you to do the same. If you don’t feel anything for Quincy please let her go, but if there’s even a spark of something, I hope you grab onto it and hold tight. You both deserve it and I believe you were meant for each other.”

  I don’t say anything because I’m not sure what to say. We both look out at the forest behind the house and swing quietly. It shouldn’t be awkward since we haven’t been together in 10 years, but it still is.

  After a few minutes I ask questions about her husband and kids and she answers with stories about all of them with obvious affection in her voice. I expected to feel a little sadness at what might have been with Jenny, but like the day in the grocery store it never comes. Instead, I find that I’m glad I broke things off with her, especially knowing she’s happier now than she ever would’ve been with me.

  When it’s time for her to leave she stands and leans over me, placing a sweet, friendly kiss on my cheek, and says, “Tell her how you feel. I know you love her. Just do it. You’re not a coward so quit acting like one.” She swipes the place she just kissed with her thumb and continues, “Take care of yourself. I’m glad you’re okay, please stay that way.” Before I can respond she slips out the screen door without another word.

  Chapter Six

  Quinn

  The jealousy eats away at my heart as I watch them swing together on the back porch. She’s talking and he’s laughing. I’ve always loved his laughter. He’s a solemn, quiet guy most of the time so when he shares those rare moments my heart melts. I continue to watch them together, wishing it was me who made him laugh instead of scowl all the time.

  Jenny’s still a beauty. She’s the light to my dark with her blond hair and blue eyes. She looks a little older but she’s still stunning in a girl-next-door kind of way. Her curves are more accentuated after the birth of her children and her smile brighter somehow.

  Instead of going to say hello like I probably should, I take my jealous self to my room and curl up with a book on the couch. I can’t face the happy pair right now. I’m afraid I’ll see Judson’s regret written all over his
face as he looks at her and I can’t handle that. I’m still stinging from his rejection following our tryst.

  Seeing them together takes me back to the night I found out they broke up. My cell phone rang, dragging me out of a deep sleep. The room was pitch-black so I grabbed the phone and picked up without checking the caller ID. Judson’s father had died and he was back home in Colorado for the funeral while I was still in school. For the last five months, except for Christmas break, we were inseparable as he helped me get through my drunken emotional crap, and I’d become closer to him than anyone else I knew. I had a ton of friends, but none were like Judson.

  “Hello?” I greeted groggily.

  A sniffle. “He broke up with me. He dumped me, Quinn. What did I do?” A sob filled the dead air. It was Jenny, Judson’s girlfriend from Colorado. We met not long after Judson and I started hanging out when she came to visit him. We hit it off and became fast friends.

  “What are you talking about?” I sat up in bed and pushed my wild mop of hair out of my way. Luckily, my roommate was out for the night or she would’ve killed me for taking a call that late.

  “Have you talked to him, Quinn?” Her voice quaked with emotion.

  “I’ve called, but he’s been busy so conversation has been short. What happened?”

  “He enlisted in the Navy, Quinn! What’s he thinking? He’s been so distant since his daddy died. He’s been worried about money and paying for school. I knew that was an issue, but the Navy? Really? Did you know?”

  I remember my heart pounding. He hadn’t told me.

  “I had no idea. He did mention he wasn’t sure how he’d pay for school, but that was it. We really haven’t talked much since everything happened. He called two weeks ago to check on my counseling and make sure I was still going. The last time I called he was meeting with his mom and the accountant for the business stuff so he cut the conversation short and hasn’t called me back. Shit. Is he really going into the Navy?”