Finding Purpose (Colorado Veterans Book 1) Read online

  “Lie next to me, Quinn. I need to talk to you.” She lies down but leaves space between us. I don’t like it so I work to change it.

  “I think you know how difficult sharing is for me. I need to be touching you while I talk so I can feel your reactions.”

  She sits up and adjusts her body. Then settles her neck on my outstretched arm, looking up at the stars like I am. Her shoulder and arm are pressed up against my side and I can feel the subtle movement of her body as she breathes.

  “I grew up in a house where the men didn’t talk about feelings. My dad was a man’s man, a hard worker, a good dad and a good husband. He just wasn’t one to promote the sharing of feelings amongst men. He felt like working hard and taking care of us should be all that was necessary to explain how he felt about the people he loved. I’d never known a man who told the woman he loved how he felt until the Colonel and even then I didn’t know he’d done that. He was sneaky about it.”

  I glance over to find her still looking up at the stars, so I continue. “Then going into the military and specifically the SEALs, I still wasn’t surrounded with a bunch of dudes willing to pour their hearts out. There were several guys on my team who were married and although I felt like they all loved their wives, there were only one or two whom I ever heard say so out loud. It’s just never been considered masculine to share feelings in any of the situations I’ve been in.

  “It has recently been brought to my attention by more than one person that I need to start saying out loud what I’m feeling inside. Although I know the advice is good, it’s still not easy. I don’t think it’ll ever be easy for me, but I refuse to lose you because I can’t open my mouth. I hope you can be patient with me as I learn this new skill.” She doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s still mad or waiting to see if I’m finished.

  Changing the subject for a moment I ask, “Can you believe how beautiful this sky is?”

  “Wow,” she breathes. “I think I can see a million stars all at once.”

  “I know. I used to do this when I lived here. I’d sneak out and drag a blanket to lie on so I could count the stars. I never thought there’d be anything more beautiful than the endless night sky, until I met you.”

  “Judson.” She says it like she doesn’t believe me so I roll to my side. She shifts her body and props her head in her hand as I mirror her action. “Quinn, it’s not a line. It’s the truth. Go back in time with me for a minute. It was your first day at pistol practice freshman year. You were coming through the doors from the locker room into the range. I was standing with the Colonel and Chris Roberts. Your hair was shorter by a few inches and you had it in a ponytail. Your face was younger and makeup-free. I could see the hint of a silver chain tucked into the V of your shirt and the whole world stopped for me. Chris elbowed me in the gut when he caught me staring. I remember thinking I needed to be slapped, not elbowed, for having that reaction, considering I had Jenny back in Colorado waiting for me. But honestly, I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I vowed then I’d never miss a practice if for no other reason than I wouldn’t miss seeing you.”

  “Judson,” she says it again, but I interrupt.

  “I loved to hear your voice when you talked and your laughter made me happy. It bothered me when you stopped smiling and laughing. I wanted to kill the person that took that away from you.

  “The night of the bathroom floor incident, I got home to the party and when I saw you going to the bedroom with that idiot Carl, I thought I’d kill him. I’d watched your downward spiral for months and knew something had happened, I just didn’t think it was my place to approach you about it. So when it looked like you went to the bedroom with Carl willingly, I left you alone, fighting with myself not to go in after you. Not even 30 minutes later I could hear a commotion coming from the room and it wasn’t the sound of good sex so I busted in and you were naked and getting sick. Carl was yelling and cussing. I was furious so I threw him out and the rest you know.

  “What you don’t know is every night after that, I wanted you more than the night before. I knew I could never have you. Jenny was my girl and I’m not a cheater so I relished the phone calls, the study sessions, the dinners, the laughs, the everything. The only thing that caused me hesitation when I signed up for the Navy was knowing I’d be leaving you in Ohio. Then I slept with you and second-guessed my decision to show up for boot camp all the way back to Colorado. I didn’t want to leave you. I belonged to you, heart and soul, but I also knew you deserved better than me. The Navy was the right place for me at the time and I didn’t want to leave you at home while I deployed for 9 to 18 months at a time. Especially since there was no guarantee I’d come home.

  “One of the reasons I never wrote to you was because I knew you felt something for me too and I thought it would make things worse to keep in contact. I didn’t want you to spend your days worrying about me. I wanted you to live and love and have a family and some stability. I’ve been with a lot of women since I left for the Navy, but I never spent more time with them than it took to get off. I never once thought of dating any of them, much less falling in love.

  “My heart was already gone by the time I left. You owned it. You just didn’t know it. That hasn’t changed. What’s changed is I’m finally willing to be selfish and beg you to be with me.”

  God, this is hard. I’m exhausted after spilling all of that but I hold her gaze. “Don’t go back to Jeff. Stay with me, be patient with me, love me. I’m not sorry I fought with him today. I’d do it all over again if it meant he’d keep his paws off you. I love these,” I trace the outline of her lips with my pointer finger, “and I don’t want to share them.” I thread my fingers into the hair on the side of her head and pull her to me. “Say you’re mine, Quinn.” A little whimper escapes her, but she says nothing. “Say it, Quinn.” I tug on her hair as she groans, the sexy sound vibrates across my skin straight to my dick. “Quincy,” I warn.

  “I’m yours, Judson. Always yours.”

  I crush my mouth to hers. Our lips and tongues tangle in a frenzy of lust. It’s messy and wild and hot as hell. So hot in fact that my dick is already hard. My body is responding to her like I’m a teenage boy with no control again. If I wasn’t so damn happy to have normal function, I’d probably be embarrassed.

  Showing her how I feel using my body seems like the most the important thing in the world to me right now. I press into her chest until she lies on her back. Then I push her shirt up above her bra and pull the cup under her heavy breast, pushing it up. I dip my head and suck the tip into my mouth and hum with contentment. Her back arches and her legs rub together restlessly. I pull the other cup down and repeat. “More, Judson, more,” she breathes.

  I give her what she wants, licking and sucking her sensitive flesh until she’s panting so loud, so fast, I’m afraid she’ll hyperventilate. First I drag her shirt off her body and then I slip the zipper of her jeans down and slide my hand into the small space under her panties, along her soft, bare flesh. Unable to move the way I want, I withdraw my hand and yank her jeans and panties off and set them aside. Her legs fall open and I slip two fingers into her wet heat. She squirms as I touch and rub her everywhere, avoiding direct contact with her clit. I want her begging for me, so I keep up the torture routine. It becomes obvious she’s had enough when she pushes me to my back and straddles me, grinding against my jean-clad cock.

  “Shirt off, handsome,” she demands. I comply, yanking it off and tossing it to the side. When she leans down to kiss me, her hair falls like a black curtain around us and the smell of sweet citrus penetrates my nose. I’ve always loved the shampoo she uses. It takes me back in time to the last night I was in Ohio when I was finally able to lick, bite, touch and smell every inch of her skin. To when I was allowed to wrap her soft, thick hair around my fist and tug. She drags me back to the present with a playful nip of my lips as she grinds down again. I react the only way I know how. I grip her ass cheeks in my palms and flex up against
her, signaling that I’m ready.

  “I want you, Judson. Right here, right now.”

  “Take me then,” I say with a smile I’m not sure she can see, but am certain she can feel against her lips. She shuffles my pants down over my hips and finds me commando. Before I can say anything else, her little hand wraps around my cock and she rubs the swollen crown around her hot, wet center, teasing me now. I groan impatiently until she impales herself with me. “Quinn!” I call out when we connect.

  She pauses, flesh to flesh and I feel her muscles grip me inside like a vise. Her hips begin slowly with a gentle rocking motion, her body visible as a silhouette with the night sky as the backdrop. I swear, every teenage-boy fantasy I ever had out in this field is coming true right at this moment. When I was dating Jenny as a teenager, she was always too afraid of getting caught to try this.

  I run my hands up over her hips, across her belly, over her rib cage and pinch the points of her breasts, still pushed up by the cups of her bra. She cries out as she increases her pace. I squeeze again and she changes direction, rolling her hips backward in a move that’s got my mind flipping. Holy heaven, that’s amazing!

  “Don’t stop, Daisy.” Her pace stays the same as she continues to bend my brain with this move. “Quinn,” I growl, unable to say anything else. I need more, faster, something.

  She leans forward a little as she presses her hands to my chest for leverage, switching the motion altogether. She slides down slow at first, building momentum with each raise of her hips until she’s moving fast and hard on me. I can tell when she’s close as her pussy flutters around me and grips tighter like it’s trying to pull me all the way inside her.

  My back is digging into the grooves of my truck bed as she bounces down hard on me, but I don’t care. I just want to make sure she doesn’t stop. I’m close, but doing my best to hold out. Praying she’ll get there quickly, I grip her hips tight, helping her to move faster. Her passionate moans fill the quiet night air until she belts out a scream that should bring the wildlife out to see what’s going on. Her head rolls forward but she’s still braced on me so I grip her hips again and pound up into her as hard as I can, ignoring the slight pain in my hip from the fight and the truck bed in my back. I concentrate on the feel of her wrapped around me tight.

  “Holy shit, Daisy,” I shout as I lift my hips and I release in her. I hold her hips flush to mine for a moment longer and pull her upper body down against me. We lie there waiting for our breath to return and I look at the stars, loving the fantasy I just lived out. The evening air might be cool but the heat between us is off the charts even as our bodies relax and recover.

  The night is quiet except for the crickets who started singing again once we quieted down. “Are you going back to Denver, Quinn?”

  Her head readjusts to rest her chin on her hands, which are laid out on my chest. If it were lighter out here I’d be able to see more than the outline of her head. Her hair is flowing over her and me, tickling my collarbone and rib cage as I wait for her response.

  “I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t happy. I don’t know if it was the culture in that particular unit I was assigned to or something I have to face as a police officer in general. I love being a cop, but it wasn’t a welcoming environment for a woman, at least the department I was in.”

  “Whatever you do, I’ll support it. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. My plan changed when my body did and it’s going to take me time to figure it out. I’m willing to go anywhere you go. I don’t want to be away from you anymore. I know I’m an alcoholic and drug-addicted mess and it’s going to take time for me to work through those issues, but I don’t want to lose you in the process. I don’t know how many more chances the universe is going to give me with you. I want to go where you go and work on being the man you deserve. I’m sorry I’m not already that guy.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Quinn

  I’m floored. I didn’t expect him to come back to the house ready to talk. I certainly didn’t expect him to apologize or spill his guts. He’s always been stoic. Always exemplified the strong silent type, even when he was dealing with my mess back in college. Not to say he doesn’t talk at all, just not usually about feelings or emotional stuff. We always had good conversation though and he could make me laugh with his sarcastic, dry humor.

  One thing has always been certain with him, if he cared about you, it was obvious, but in a subtle way. He didn’t smother you with compliments or call you all the time or tell you how much he liked you, he just showed it.

  With me, it was obvious in the crinkle of his eyes when we talked, the slight lift of his lips when he’d see me enter a room, the deep chuckle that seemed to come from all the way down in his shoes when he’d laugh at something I said or did. There were other times, when I was emotional, that his eyebrows would lower and pull together or he’d chew on the right side of his bottom lip as he listened to me. His friendship and concern were written right there in those tiny things that some people might overlook, but I never did. I made it my mission to study him and figure these things out.

  He always kept eye contact during conversation and the biggest, most telling thing of all was when he approached someone or a group of people he liked. He sat down next to them to start conversation or he walked right up to join in. If you weren’t someone he wanted to be around, he was cordial with a head nod to acknowledge you or he avoided you all together. He didn’t back down from confrontation but he didn’t seek it out either.

  Judson must have been good at hiding his serious feelings down deep because I never suspected he was in to me. I was never sure why he took me in and took care of me. I guess I just thought he was a nice guy and after a while he realized we could really be friends. I also thought that his last night in Ohio, the first time we had sex, was based on his loneliness and the confusion of dealing with so many things at once.

  The sex was so hot it was obvious we had chemistry, but it never occurred to me that he felt anything before that night and those particular circumstances. Sure, he said differently when we were in bed, but everyone knows when a guy is trying to get laid, he’ll say anything.

  As I lie here sprawled across his body, the cool breeze ruffles my hair, while his softening cock is still inside me as we talk. I’m wrapped comfortably tight in a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.

  “I don’t want to leave Ms. Polly. I know she’s a grown woman, but she has no family left and all of her friends are older. I want to be close enough so we can take care of her or help her if something happens. I put in an application with the Colorado Springs Police Department. They have a position open, but I’m not sure I’ll get it. I’d like to find a house with a little land, maybe a small ranch where I can keep horses and stay in Colorado Springs, but all of that hinges on a job.”

  “You want horses and land?” I wish I could see the smile I hear in his voice.

  “Well, yeah. Ugh, we haven’t even talked about that.”

  My body tenses as I realize we haven’t covered the subject of kids. He’s known since college I couldn’t have kids, but maybe he’s like Jeff and thinks we can try some advanced technology or adopt or something.

  “Hey, why did you tense up, Daisy?” he asks.

  “I can’t have babies. You know that, or maybe you forgot. You’re still young and I’m sure you want them. Jeff wanted to see a specialist about new technology or use a surrogate, but I resigned myself a long time ago to no kids. I don’t want them.” I lay my head directly on his chest and listen to his heart for a few seconds, hoping this won’t be the last I hear of it beating against my ear. No children could be a deal-breaker.

  I feel him inhale before he says, “We never talked about exactly why you thought you couldn’t have kids. You obviously never had a hysterectomy.”

  “When I miscarried that baby and almost bled out, the surgery to save me left too much scar tissue. My womb is now uninhabitable, kind of like Mars, according
to the OB/GYN I saw a couple of months after the surgery.”

  “Well, it’s not a problem for me. I’ve never been a baby person, I’d probably break one. Besides, I’m in no shape to be a parent. Never been able to see myself with a white-picket-fence-Ozzie-and-Harriet lifestyle. I’m okay sharing my life with just you. You’re all I need.” He wraps his arms around my back and holds me tight to his body while I melt into him, my mind settling on the new life I see slowly taking shape in my head.

  Just to clarify, I ask, “Are you sure? I don’t want us to start something and then in a couple of months you change your mind because I can’t have kids. You have to be sure.”

  “Quince, I’m sure. You’re all I need.”

  After a couple of months, we move Ms. Polly into a retirement community bungalow, the perfect size for her. She doesn’t have to worry about lawn upkeep or snow shoveling, as it’s all included in the community fees. Her house sold for the asking price so she was able to pay outright and have spending money left over. There’s a clubhouse with activities every night and three of her close friends live in the same neighborhood.

  Ready to start a new life, I resigned from my job in Denver and Judson and I bought a fixer-upper ranch on the outskirts of Colorado Springs. Seated on the plateau of a hill is a three bedroom, two bathroom single story house with an amazing stone fireplace on the main wall of the living room, an old barn behind the house, which needs a lot of work, and a beautiful pond on the backside of the property. The place is pretty run-down but Judson plans to do the work himself. He’s decided this will be his project for now. Once it’s finished he’ll decide what career path he’ll take. His disability check, along with my new paycheck from the Colorado Springs Police Department, pays our bills so we don’t have to worry about financial issues. He’s going to rebuild the barn first so we can board horses to bring in extra income too.