Finding Purpose (Colorado Veterans Book 1) Read online

  “You’re the best friend I have Quincy and it means a lot that you’re supporting me. I’m going to miss you.”

  “You’re my best friend too and I’m not sure how I’m going to do without you here. You saved me, Judson, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. I’ll miss you, too.”

  I felt his hand tighten around mine, but he said nothing else. I must have drifted off. When I came to I was smothered in heat and hardness and it took a second to remember I’d fallen asleep in bed next to Judson, but how we ended up with him half on top of me, I had no idea. I can’t say I hated the position though. From what I’d seen, he had a great body even if it was thinner than it had been the month before. He had one leg shoved between both of mine and his arm was wrapped tightly around my hip like he was afraid I’d get away somehow. I turned just enough to get a good whiff of his cologne mixed with his natural scent and it melted me a little. I’ve never forgotten that scent.

  His hip flexed and pushed a rock-hard erection against my hip and my core simmered with the idea of Judson buried deep inside of me. The little fantasy I had built up in my head before I actually met Jenny a few months prior, which I never thought I’d see to fruition, was bubbling back to the surface. However, I was sure when he woke up he’d realize he was dreaming about Jenny and run like his ass was on fire to get away from me. For that moment though, I enjoyed his warmth and the fantasy of him.

  I’m not sure how much time passed with us wrapped up that way, but I felt his hand shift from my waist and move under my T-shirt, up along the wire of my bra, bringing goose bumps across my flesh. His hip flexed again and I pleaded with my muscles to hold still so I wouldn’t wake him and scare him away. I knew it was wrong on so many levels, but I couldn’t make myself care as his fingers shifted and grazed the satin of my bra cup, across one nipple and then the other. I let out an involuntary moan as my heart pounded against my rib cage, afraid he heard it. Terrified he’d realize I wasn’t who he thought I was in the dark of night.

  His whole body shifted closer and I felt his lips on my neck as he located the sweet spot right behind my ear. It’s still the one spot on my body guaranteed to get a reaction out of me with the least amount of effort. I moaned again at the feel of his wet tongue trailing down my neck slowly. I knew I had to stop him. He’d hate himself after the fact, when he realized I wasn’t Jenny. I didn’t want to though, which made me a terrible person, a terrible friend to her.

  “Judson,” I whispered into the darkness.

  “Quincy,” he whispered back.

  I whipped my head around, coming a breath away from his mouth.

  “You know it’s me?” I questioned in a whisper.

  “Of course. I’d know your scent anywhere.”

  “I thought maybe you were dreaming and thought I was someone else.”

  “No, I could never mistake you for someone else, Quinn.”

  “I don’t know what to say to that.”

  “Say yes. Let me make love to you, Quinn. I’ve selfishly wanted this for a long time. Even before you ended up on my bathroom floor.”

  “You had Jenny though,” I protested.

  “I know and I never would’ve done anything to hurt her, but it didn’t mean the thought didn’t cross my mind.”

  His lips were touching mine when he asked, “What’s it going to be, Quincy?”

  “I shouldn’t. It’s wrong and what about Jenny?”

  “Jenny and I are over. Not getting back together. I’m not asking for forever, just for tonight. I want to feel something. I’ve been dead inside since you told me my dad died and I just want to feel…something.”

  I ran my fingernails along his scalp, through his short but overgrown locks as I contemplated what he was offering. I took a slow, deep breath and then answered, “Yes, make love to me, Judson. I’ve thought about it for a long time too. I just never thought it would happen.”

  Before I could say more, he sealed our lips together in a hungry kiss and I melted against him, allowing all the reasons I shouldn’t do it to float out into oblivion. I moved my hands down under his arms and gently pulled up on his shirt. There were at least a dozen times a week I had fantasies of touching his naked chest. He sat up and disposed of the shirt somewhere in the room and before he lay back down he found the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. Then he reached behind me and unlatched my bra and slid it slowly down my arms before he tossed it to the floor too.

  His fingers hooked into the waistband of my pants as he pulled them off me. I was commando under them so that took one step away. He yanked his own off before he lowered himself between my spread thighs. The feel of his heated skin against mine sent spikes of electricity straight to my already engorged clit.

  I shifted my hips a little, seeking pressure. He released a groan into my mouth and pulled away from the kiss. “If you keep that up you’re going to end this before it begins. Just be patient. I’ll take care of you, Quince, I promise.” His hand trailed down to cup my breast, holding it steady so he could wrap his warm, wet lips around the hardened peak. I arched my back, pushing my chest forward into his hands as I silently begged for more.

  “You are so sexy, so beautiful.”

  “You can’t see anything.”

  “I’ve seen you naked before so I know what you look like and I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life.”

  “When?” I was wondering when in the hell he saw me naked.

  He nipped at my peak again and said with his lips against my skin, “When I kicked that fucker off you and out of my room the night we spent on the bathroom floor. I’m the one who got you dressed before you started puking. You don’t remember that?”

  “I don’t remember anything from about the fifth shot forward. You got me dressed?”

  “Yeah, it was really hard to do once I got a good look at these perfect tits and that sweet ass. I was hard for two hours after that. Your skin is so smooth everywhere and I’ve wanted to touch it a million times since that night, but couldn’t. So now I plan to kiss and lick every single inch before this night is through.”

  I groaned, his words turned me on more. His mouth moved to the underside of my breast and he sucked deep and hard. I knew he was trying to leave his mark, he wasn’t in an erogenous zone. His body shifted again and his hand slipped in between us, slowly trailing down, sliding his fingers through the lips of my sex.

  “Goddamn you’re wet, Quinn.”

  “Yes,” I whimpered.

  His fingers circled that little bundle of nerves slowly with the perfect amount of pressure as my hips rotated, following his movements. When I was just about there he slid his fingers further down and pushed two up into me. I cried out, begging, “Give me more.”

  “I know what you need, sweet Daisy, just let me give it to you.”

  I wondered what he meant by Daisy, but then his fingers pumped in and out of me while his thumb grazed my clit and all conscious thought disappeared. My hips worked to keep his rhythm until my body flew headfirst off the orgasmic cliff into the perfect abyss. I could hear my screams echo off the walls but I didn’t care enough to control them. I clawed my way down his back, drawing blood from his perfect skin, but I was so blissed out I didn’t care.

  Suddenly the heat of his body was gone from mine and my eyes popped open, searching for him. I couldn’t figure out if he was leaving or if he changed his mind or if I hurt him with my nails.

  “Judson?”

  “Yeah, Daisy, I’m here. Just getting some protection.”

  “Oh, okay. I thought you were leaving me here.”

  His chuckle filled the quiet space. “No, not even close. Just getting started.”

  His heat returned to me and I could feel the thick head of his engorged cock pressing against my drenched entrance. “Give it to me, Judson,” I demanded, probably sounding whiney.

  “Just be patient.” I could hear the smile in his voice and I loved that he was taking his time, not just tearing into me. That was t
he only way I’d ever had it and I loved that he was different.

  “Spread wider for me.”

  I lifted my legs and spread wider as he adjusted his hips and pushed in slowly to start. My greedy lower lips pulled him in tighter and clenched, eliciting a groan from him.

  “So damn tight,” he murmured.

  His hips snapped to mine and I found myself so full with him it was hard to breathe.

  I laced my fingers together behind his head and pulled his mouth to mine, devouring him in the most mind-bending kiss I’d ever initiated. I feasted on his lips and tongue like a starving woman. My hips rolled to meet his thrusts in perfect synchronicity as my moans tangled with his breathy growls. I rocked to shift us, rolling on top of him, riding him hard. Sweat rolled down between my shoulder blades as my breasts bounced each time. I placed my palms on the thick muscles of his chest for leverage and picked up my pace.

  I was close again. I could feel the ripples in my sex as the burning pleasure pulled in tight to my core, preparing to explode and spread to all of my muscles. I was almost there. Judson must have had a different idea, not ready to let me get there yet, because he lifted me off of him. Whiney protests were all I could manage as he adjusted my position, placing my hands and knees on the bed as he mounted up behind me. With a powerful thrust he filled me and I shot forward with the effort. He hauled me back into place. His hands kneaded the fleshy portion of my ass as he slowed his strokes. He leaned all the way over, caging me inside his body.

  “I love the way your body pulls on mine as you’re about to come, but I don’t want you to come again without me. Hold on, I’m almost there, Daisy.”

  He rose up again and pumped into me repeatedly as I fought to wait for him. Another minute was all I could manage. My mind shut off, allowing my body to shatter into a million jagged little pieces. He wrapped his arms around me and flexed against me several times as his cock swelled even further to fill the condom. He held me tight as he finished and then rolled to the right, disposing of the condom in the trash can by the bed. He pulled me up so I was draped over his chest, my hair splayed all over the place as I tried to calm my racing heart. His fingers sifted through my hair tenderly and I loved it as much as what we just did.

  “I fucking love your hair, Quinn. It was the first thing I noticed about you when I saw you.” I smiled against his skin and kissed his chest.

  Curious, I asked, “Why the name Daisy? Did you even mean to say that?”

  I could feel him twirling a lock of my hair as he took a few seconds before he answered.

  “Because we have this huge field behind my parents’ house that’s filled with daisies every spring and they’re so beautiful. They look so delicate, like a stiff wind would blow them away. They only last a little while, but every year those same delicate daisies beat the odds and come back after a brutal winter. You are beautiful and delicate, yet resilient and strong at the same time. It fits you. I think of it every time I see you, but hadn’t slipped in saying it out loud until now.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  “No, it’s true. I’m going to get out of this bed in a few hours and walk out that door, breaking my own heart, but you, my beautiful Daisy, will grow and prosper in the coming summer sun, stronger than before.”

  “How am I going to live without you? You’re my best friend,” I whispered.

  “The same way you did with me here. Get out of bed every day, exercise, go to class, go to counseling, go to meetings and go to practice. You’re going to live an amazing life and eventually I’ll be a memory, someone who helped you once upon a time.” Sadness laced his voice.

  “That’ll never be the case. You’ll never be just someone who helped me once upon a time. You’ll always mean so much more to me. I’m sad you’re leaving me, but I’m proud of you for making a hard choice and following your dreams. Promise me I’ll get at least one letter letting me know if you made it through SEAL training. I’ve read the stories so I understand what you’re up against. I believe you can do it, but I want to know for sure. I don’t want to guess. Can you do that for me?”

  He’s quiet for a bit before he finally replies, “Yes, I’ll do that for you. You mean something to me, Quincy, don’t ever forget that.”

  “I know. I feel the same.” I really wanted to tell him I loved him and I didn’t want him to go, but I didn’t want to be like everyone else in his life. I didn’t want to be another anchor holding him to a place he wasn’t meant to be.

  With nothing left to say, I ran my fingers lightly over every inch of his skin I could reach, loving the feel of his muscles tightening under my touch. We spent the last couple of hours before daylight whispering naughty things and making love. It was a feeling I never wanted to let go of.

  When the first streaks of daylight entered the room through his blinds we got dressed in silence and I helped him load his stuff into his truck. We secured a tarp over everything in case he ran into rain. Then he drove me to my dorm and walked me to the doors. He tucked my hair behind my ears and kissed me so tenderly tears pooled in my eyes and my lower lip trembled. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

  Resting my hands on his chest, I said, “Go see Jenny before you leave. Explain why you’re leaving. She needs all the information. I’ve only known you for a short time and I feel like my heart is going to ride away in that truck with you. I can’t imagine how she feels after six years of loving you.”

  “I promise.”

  “Don’t forget my letter.”

  “I won’t. Keep up with everything we started and if that Marcus-douchebag gets anywhere near you I expect you to give him a severe groin kick just for the hell of it. Now, move on and have an amazing life. Thank you for being my best friend, Daisy.” I smiled at the new term of endearment he gave me.

  “Thank you for saving me, Judson. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He kissed my forehead and jogged back to his truck, hopping inside. His hand shot out the window with one last wave as he pulled away. I watched until he was long gone, the tears soaking the front of my shirt as I stood there in the cool morning air. Sexually sated, but completely broken hearted.

  As the memory fades I finally drift off to a fitful sleep, worried about what he’ll say when he sees me again after reading some of the letters I wrote to him since he left.

  Chapter Eight

  Judson

  When Jenny said letters, I thought maybe a shoebox with some letters in it. Not a giant plastic under-the-bed storage container. I open the lid and it takes me a minute to figure out where the first one is, but after that they all fall in line. The first one is tough to read, especially knowing how I felt on the other side of all that happened.

  Dear Judson,

  You’ve been gone for over two months. The Colonel says you graduate boot camp next week and you’ve done well. He also said he and Ms. Polly will be driving to Chicago to attend the graduation. I’m so proud of you. Following your dreams in this instance was not an easy choice, but I know it’s the right one for you.

  I miss you every day. Practice and competitions are not the same without you. I now spend the time I used to spend with you, with Denise. Although when we’re out of town, she likes to party with people from the other teams and I’m still on the wagon so that’s not something I can do. I’ve spent a lot of time reading. At first it was biographies about former Navy SEALs and when those freaked me out I switched to mysteries and romance. I thought I could handle learning about the things you’d be called upon to do, but I was wrong. Now I’m more worried than ever. I realize you haven’t been through BUD/S yet, but I know you and I know you’ll sail through the program.

  I talked to Jenny today. I’ve talked to her once a week since you left. She still cries a little bit, but I think she understands better now. She’ll be okay. I’m not so sure about me though. I never told her about our night together. I’m sure you don’t even think about it anymore, but I can’t seem to think of anyt
hing else.

  Your old roommate, Schmitty, tracked me down and asked me out last week. I said no. I felt bad for turning him down, but I still can’t imagine being with anyone else. Besides, I’m not sure he would’ve respected my need to stay away from bars and parties. I couldn’t ask that of anyone, especially in college. It just seems cruel.

  Anyways, I couldn’t hold my silence any longer. I had to tell you I miss you and I’m so proud of you. I look forward to receiving the letter you owe me once you become a SEAL and get your Trident. Take care of yourself.

  Love always,

  Quincy

  The emotions swirling around in my head like the contents of a blender confuse the shit out of me. I don’t know why. This was written forever ago. I look at the envelope and realize it was addressed and stamped like she planned to send it and didn’t. I wonder why she didn’t. I pick up the next one and read it.

  Dear Judson,

  You graduated boot camp today and I could kick myself in the ass for not crashing it. I debated on it, but decided if you wanted me there you would’ve gotten word for me to be there. Instead, I’m waiting for the Colonel to return with pictures for me to see and hopefully a good report about your well-being.

  We have a big competition this weekend and I’ve spent a lot of extra time training. I’m hoping he doesn’t jinx it by talking about it, but the Colonel seems to think I’ve got the first-place spot locked up. He also says the national team has been paying close attention and if I keep improving it’s likely I’ll get an invite to join the team next year.

  Well, I need to go. I have a ton of homework. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.

  Love always,

  Quincy

  I remember the Colonel talking about all of this when we went to dinner after my graduation. I remember thinking I should call her or write to her during this time, but things happened so fast for me and I got caught up in it all. I stayed in Great Lakes for another six weeks for SEAL prep and then was shipped off to San Diego for three weeks of Intro training. After that I spent another 21 weeks, also in San Diego, for further training. During that time, I didn’t think about anything but getting through to the next day. There were occasions when a physical test would cause mental strain and I’d detach. It was at those times that I’d go to another place in my head, usually somewhere I’d find Quinn, but mostly I just fought to survive the whole experience. It seemed like every day someone couldn’t hack it so they dropped out. I was determined I wouldn’t be one of those men.